Here is a postmodern summarization of Edgar Allen Poe's seminal work, "The Raven," with the forced words replaced. I will replace the narrator with a large man in dark sunglasses and a douchey, curled mustache. Lenore will be replaced by a dark haired girl the large man was pissed about because he didn't get her number. The raven will be replaced by a talking slab of bacon. Finally, the repetition of the word "Nevermore" will be replaced by the phrase "99 cents." Now, an exercise in ruining Poe's beautiful work:
The scene was midnight on a dark night in the large man in dark sunglasses and a douchey, curled mustache's study. In the first stanza, he was reading quietly when he heard a “tapping at his chamber door.” The large man in dark sunglasses and a douchey, curled mustache convinced himself the tapping was only a visitor.
Soon, the reader learns why the large man in dark sunglasses and a douchey, curled mustache was afraid of the tapping on his window. In a December past, the large man couldn't get a beautiful dark-haired girl's number, no matter how hard he tried. Ever since that night, the large man buried his sorrows in reading. He was afraid that the dark-haired girl the large man was pissed about because he didn't get her number! was haunting him in his chamber. The “rustling of each purple curtain” scared him to death. He had to convince himself the tapping was a visitor and not a ghost.
In the next stanza, the large man in dark sunglasses and a douchey, curled mustache gathered his courage and opened the door, apologizing for not opening it sooner. The space outside the door was empty. He became very frightened then. He was sure the dark haired girl the large man was pissed about because he didn't get her number’s! memory tapped on the door, and he called what he thought was her name was (Julie? Sarah?) in the darkness.
The large man was scared out of his wits. When he retreated back into his room, he heard the tapping again. He tried to convince himself it was a tree branch blowing in the wind. He threw open the window to see if it was true.
In flew a talking slab of bacon. The meat product was stately. It landed on a bust of Pallas, or Athena, without apology. The narrator asked the bacon what its name was in the underworld where it came from. The bacon only answered, “99 cents.”
Even though the narrator thought the bacon spoke nonsense, he was interested that the bacon could talk. He counted himself lucky of meeting such a meat product, especially a slab that was called “99 cents.”
The slab of bacon wouldn’t say anything else besides 99 cents. The large man was pleased to have something to distract him from thoughts of the dark haired girl, but he was sad because the bacon would fry away and leave him alone like his friends and hopes had done.
In the next stanza, the large man realized that bacon was sent to help him forget his loneliness. The bacon agreed, saying that the dark-haired girl would never have answered the phone when he'd called anyway so the narrator should forget her.
In anger, the narrator shouted the bacon should leave him. He didn’t want to forget the dark-haired girl and he didn’t want to remember the bacon. The bacon said the large man would never be free of him.
In the last stanza, the reader finds out what the bacon symbolized: bacon is really good and really cheap. But if you eat a lot of bacon, then you'll never get number from any pretty, dark-haired girls in bars. Even if you can remember their names.
THE END.