Twilight lovers, prepare to vote! A self-proclaimed “vampire” from Florida is running for president. While it looks like the guy doesn’t sparkle, he is totally serious about becoming the first vampire president in U.S. history. He also claims he’s a direct descendent of Vlad the Impaler, or Dracula.

Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey is 45, engaged to a 19-year-old who believes she, too, is a vampire, and is the same age as his own daughter. You’d think a vampire would be a liberal, but the previously-registered Independent is planning on running on the Republican ticket for 2012.

I seriously don’t think he’s going to make it that far. For starters, he looks nothing like Robert Pattison; he looks more like a cross between John Carroll Lynch and Ted Nugent. And though he’s previously run for governor, senator, and presidential seats, it looks like he has zero experience in the politics department.

Then, of course, there’s the fact that he’s presumably a statutory rapist. The man has publicly bragged about having lots of teen girlfriends, and that he has not had a girlfriend over the age of 19 in many years. “It’s good to be me,” he gloats.

Charming, Vlad junior, just charming. That’s exactly the kind of person I’d like running my country—and especially whom I’d like the young boys of this nation to look up to.

I don’t even really give a damn about this guy’s “vampire” status as long as he isn’t hurting anyone—though if he’s screwing underage girls, he certainly is. And he’s apparently doing just that, as a 16-yar-old—whom he was previously engaged to, apparently—says that he brainwashed her, and her family has since filed a restraining order against him. He continues to text-message her like the weirdo in midlife crisis he seems to be. (Why isn’t this guy locked up, by the way?)

He’s also served jail time for intimidating a judge, stalked at least one other teen girl online, and has only recently been publicly claiming to be a vampire. According to those who know him, he used to be a traditional Republican, just without the fangs and emo coats. He’s currently on probation, too. So! Who’d like to go out and defend this dude canvassing door-to-door?

We’ve had crazier men in office before… well, maybe. But if he’s going to tout around his womanizing ways in front of the world, I don’t see anyone who’d want to elect him. Oh, wait…

Drac, I think it’s time to grow up. Let go of this “dream” of yours—it’s not gonna happen, dude—and go about your life. Be happy and say you’re a vampire for all I care (just don’t go eating babies or drinking people’s blood without their consent); just leave the politics—and the underage girls—alone.